“I thought it was just another Friday,” said WT Junior, [Name Redacted]. “But then, out of nowhere it just… happened.” 

Her friend’s little sister, who our source maintains is “basically like 12 years old when you think about it” received a homecoming proposal at what is famously the most intimate & romantic setting in the United States of America: a Central Catholic Football game.

“So, did she say yes?” I asked.

“Is the Pope Catholic? Is Central Catholic Catholic? Is Catholic catholic catholic catholic *sob* catholi- *heavy sobs.* Yeah, uh, she… she said yes.”

We want a standard & universally accepted high school social barometer with which to gauge our value. Cultural inquiries like “Are you smart?” “Are you nice?” “Are you ‘giving back’?” are unnecessarily complicated and individualistic. What I’m trying to say is that we need to switch to the proverbial metric system. And that metric system is homecoming. And not some snooze-fest politically correct homecoming, where “no one leaves in tears.” A homecoming with an elected King and Queen. I’m talking homecoming court campaigns, posters, voting, gerrymandering, unfounded accusations of fraud, an ultimate insurrection, and most importantly: sashes & crowns.

Now more than ever, in light of the queen’s alleged “death,” it’s our duty as a community to honor her in the only way we know how: by determining the two prettiest 17 year olds at our school, giving them crowns, dancing to doja cat until our moms come to pick us up, then leaving WT to foot a $1,000 bill. 

We’re not a bunch of snowflakes. We’re bears for god’s sake. And bears don’t shy away from change. They eat salmon (?) and hibernate, and write “HOCO would be LOCO with U, so will you be my BOO?” on poster board in the most primitive handwriting you’ve ever seen. That’s just the science of bears. As a woman, someone who almost took Anthropocene Bio, and a person who rooted for the villains on PBS’s Wild Kratts (Don’t let them steal your crown Zach), I would know. 

“I know gender is a performance, but I feel like, given the chance to perform the role of ‘girl-in-dress,’ I’d really bring a lot of depth to the character. Like, I’ve been doing a lot of method acting and thinking, ‘what does ‘girl-in-dress’ really want?’ And I think her ultimate motivation and journey is that she wants to stand next to “boy-in-tie” on steps for photos. And I just really want to honor that storyline and do that part justice.”

“I just think it’s important that, as young women, we are in competition with one another.”

But seriously, what our community needs is an opportunity to acknowledge and celebrate how far we’ve come since the paradigm-shifting dawn of the pandemic. This year is one of rebirth and return. We’re coming back together, we’re truly coming into ourselves, and we’re even, dare I say, coming home. A homecoming would be an apt and revelatory symbol of reunion and resilience that would not be soon forgotten. And besides, I already bought my dress and everything.