Last year I had the honor to write what some have called “the greatest article ever written” for Voices regarding the donation of the Senior Lounge to the Upper School Makerspace.  Though that article was satirical, it seems it was also prophetic.  Though “donation” may not be the most appropriate term, the seniors were directly responsible for not occupying the senior lounge for all eternity and for that I can only be thankful.  However, for those of you who think I automatically receive this space to do as I please, you are mistaken.  Yes, Harrison and Yijia are currently squatting in the space with their Research Science project, but mint plants can grow anywhere.  So, I am now going to use my Nostradamus-like powers to predict the second life of the Senior Lounge.  Though none of these options have been confirmed, they have all been rumored to be in the works.  

Option 1:  Freshman Lounge

The freshmen are in need of space that is all their own.  Trust me.  The current plans are to put a wooden floor in where they can continue to develop their highly-customized version of sign language, break dancing, and mime performance art.  Some of you might have seen them communicating in this style and been curious.  Another addition to the lounge will be two-way mirrors and microphones.  Part of the sponsorship of the freshmen lounge is through a City as Our Campus relationship with the Anthropology and Sociology Department at Pitt.  Researchers will be using this space to study primitive language development in adolescent minds permanently altered by YouTube.  

Option 2:  Dr. Naragon’s New Office

Last week, Dr. Naragon received the first-ever Spot™ Paper Avalanche Locator.  This device, when activated, will help first responders locate Dr. Naragon if the papers on his desk in his (not really his) room or the project-debris near the entrance ever become too unstable.  Seismographs near the second floor history rooms have indicated increased activity, signaling the likelihood of potential avalanches.  Currently the hypothesis is, due to loss of senior lounge habitat, that the new migratory patterns of seniors moving down the steps and into the library periphery has caused un-predicted stress on the building infrastructure.  To alleviate potential injury, the Senior Lounge will be turned into an office for Dr. Naragon.  However, all project-debris will remain where it is in hopes it takes out a large chunk of the freshmen class at some point.  This is the most cost-effective of the three plans as everything will be removed from the Senior Lounge.  Since Dr. Naragon will never be present (as he is always moving from space to space throughout the school working with different groups), there is no need to furnish it.  

Option 3:  Grade Negotiating Start-up

One of the more popular MSON courses (How to Start Your Start-Up) has churned out its first Spin-off company, Grade Negotiators, LLC.  A group of recent WT-alums are in the mix to rent out the space and turn it into a consulting business that will meet with current WT students who feel their grades are not good enough to get them into whatever college they have been brainwashed into thinking they must go to or all life will spontaneously combust via the second big bang (though a recent study suggests their might never have been one in the first place).  The Grade Negotiators will sit down with you and come up with a plan to approach your teachers near the end of the Trimester in order to inflate your grade to something you didn’t earn, doesn’t reflect your knowledge/abilities, and is only a figment of college registrar’s imaginations.  Their introductory package – “Come on, it is only 3 points” is guaranteed to increase your grade from a B+ to an A-.  Premium packages include: “I know I don’t have enough regular credit, which is why I need extra-credit” and the ever popular “Just start crying now” platinum package.  Pricing for these services has yet to be finalized, but early versions of their business plan suggest amounts starting with “trouble sleeping at night because you know you are wrong,” to “loss of all integrity,” and ending with “your soul.”  

Tough choices I know, but it should be easier than finding a new Head of School.  Don’t you think?