It’s October. The crisp air, loaded candy isles, and spooky decorations can only mean one thing. That’s right. It’s Polish American Heritage Month.

Widely known as “the delight of children everywhere,” “spooky season” or “30 days of non-stop, unadulterated, almost violent Polish pride,” this is by far, my favorite month of the year. Although I, myself am not actually Polish, I am insufferable, and that is why this article exists as it does today.

You’ve probably seen Polish American Heritage Month makeup all over your TikTok “for you” page. Or maybe your neighbors have already adorned their homes (let’s hear it for the official color scheme of October: WHITE. AND. RED.)

In any event, the spirit is in the air. Many people enjoy attending their local haunted houses this time of year. And that’s fine. For them. But if you want a real scare, consider discussing Poland’s 1794 Kosciuszko Insurrection with your loved ones over a steaming plate of ​​Gołąbki. Who’s brave now? It’s always been you.

​​Gołąbki not for you? Then you’re worthless, and I hate you. But still, try one of my favorite autumn activities at the moment: going for brisk 9-minute walks. But these walks can be no more or less than 9 minutes. I won’t patronize you by explaining the obvious but this is, of course, to honor the fact that Poland is the 9th largest country in Europe. The cool weather might even invigorate you, putting a little extra spring in your step, not unlike the feeling that pervaded Poland once it regained independence in 1918 after 123 years of political partition and servitude.

This year feels similar, as we are all regaining the freedom to leave our homes once again. Last October many people were concerned about whether festivities could safely commence at all, “It’s like, this year with the pandemic, can we even celebrate Polish American Heritage Month?” is something that I repeatedly screamed to myself until bystanders were forced to use sedation tactics (or so I’ve been told). 2020, am I right? But I know that this year I’ll be hearing sweet little voices ring out “cukierek albo figielek!” Or the American translation, “A candy or a prank!” 

I love seeing their costumes, they all look like cute little pierogies to me! Are pierogies Polish? Don’t look it up. While I may be unaware of where pierogies came from (unless the answer is “heaven!” lol that was a joke) I am aware that you care about my latest fashion antics far more than you care about these children, these little potato raviolis. So I’ll now answer the question I’ve been paying you all money to ask me: “What costume will I be sporting this October?” Yes, you have to say “sporting.” Well, thank you for asking. That wasn’t so hard, was it? Yes, I have your Venmo. 

I’m being a dog named Burek because that is the most popular dog name in … Arizona. Just kidding, that was a little joke. It’s Poland.

“Does this costume make me look Polish? Because I am.” *Note: Because there has been confusion, this is not a picture of me. 

So now that PAHM is officially underway, start planning for how you’re going to spend it. No pressure! 

If you prefer cozy nights at home, tune in to WQED this Sunday to watch my all-time favorite Peanuts flick, “Poland. It’s Great, Charlie Brown.” The heartwarming tale tells of a little boy named Linus, who goes out one night looking for a pumpkin but comes away with something much greater: friendship Polish citizenship. 

The 1966 holiday classic: “Poland. It’s Great, Charlie Brown.” 

If you’re more wild and adventurous, try going mushrooming instead. No, not that kind of mushroom. Get your head out of the gutter! This family-friendly activity, in which groups venture into nearby forests to harvest edible mushrooms is a popular crowd-pleaser in the motherland.*

*=(Poland, in case you were confused)

With so many delightful pastimes at our disposal, thank goodness that Polish American Heritage Month exists if only to fill the doldrums of “holidayless” Fall. It’s like, I don’t want to wait until 3 May Constitution Day to live it up while at the same time remembering the dual monarchy comprising the Crown of the Kingdom of Poland and the Grand Duchy of Lithuania! Am I right?

This isn’t just a dreary time of year though, it can be a very creepy season as well, (you’ve seen Disney Channel’s Monstober.) I had my very own terrifying ghost sighting just the other day. I was telling someone about how the Polish alphabet has 32 letters and they just … looked right through me. Then, they silently yet swiftly drifted away. That’s when I knew it had been a supernatural encounter, but I was more disappointed than afraid. It’s like if I had to see a ghost, why couldn’t it have been the spirit of Jan Józef Ignacy Łukasiewicz? Life isn’t fair I guess. At least not here in America. One day I’ll make it to my one true home and be met with open arms, as well as open arched doorways, just one of the many stunning facets of Polish architecture. I just found out they’re not paying me for Voices, which means the “Poland escape” account I started is empty, but one day, one day I’ll show all of you. And then I’ll be the one who’s laughing, instead of making you laugh, with my bitingly clever satirical masterpieces.

In short, get me out of here. But I digress, although it has been alleged on countless occasions that I possess “Big Polish Energy,” or am “Poland if Poland took the form of the greatest writing prodigy the United States had ever seen,” nobody is better suited to summarize the true spirit of Polish American Heritage Month than my wonderful friend, future detective, and Poland/Germany native, Laura Musekamp. When asked what Polish American Heritage Month means to her, she said “Polska jest cudowna. Michael Jackson Żyje.”