It is not a good time to be Jake Gyllenhaal or an ardent supporter of him. Besides the fact that he admitted earlier this year that he does not bathe regularly, he is also the subject of a new TEN MINUTE long Taylor Swift song. Sure Jake Gyllenhaal is an okay actor, and I guess he does some good with his charity work, but he treated Taylor Swift badly during their 3 month long relationship in 2010, which makes him my public enemy #1. 

Taylor Swift, songwriting icon and star of hit movie Cats, has embarked on a journey to re-record all of her old albums after her catalog was purchased by the shady Scooter Braun. Her most recent venture has been her hit album Red. The album, released in 2012, marked her turning point from country towards pop, and helped her continue her meteoric rise to global stardom. 

With the release of the re-recording, Swift reclaimed the rights to some of her most popular songs including “I Knew You Were Trouble,” “Stay Stay Stay,” “We Are Never Getting Back Together,” and the infamous “All Too Well.”

The latter of the aforementioned songs has become something of a cult classic among the more adamant “Swifties” (a club that I may or may not be a part of). The lyrics of the original (5 minute version) of the song seem to hint at a relationship with a man who loves flannels and enjoys drives to upstate New York. When I think of those two things my mind immediately goes to one person: JAKE GYLLENHAAL!

The new lyrics of the song even further suggest that the infamous villain in the song may be the oscar-nominated actor Jake Gyllenhaal. Lyrics such as: “You said if we had been closer in age maybe it would have been fine.” In my research, I was able to determine that Gyllenhaal and Swift did have a 9 year age-gap between them when they dated. Even further she says: “It’s supposed to be fun turning twenty-one.” Swift was twenty-one when she and Gyllenhaal were dating. That is pretty clear evidence that the new song is about Gyllenhaal. 

Now that we have ascertained that the song is about Gyllenhaal, we can move on to some of the revelations that Swift makes. I’m going to warn you, if you are a Jake stan then you should probably click off if you don’t want your image of him soiled. First off, according to Swift, Gyllenhaal never showed up to her twenty-first birthday party. He also made her cry in the bathroom at a party. Swift says that she had to be rescued by an unnamed actress (allegedly Jennifer Anniston or Jake’s sister Maggie Gyllenhaal) who helped her stop crying and return to the party. 

As if the new song detailing their tragic love affair was not enough ammunition for the Gyllenhaal hate club (again I am not saying if I am a member of this), Swift also released a self-directed short film and performed on SNL. The short film generated rave reviews for the actors, Sadie Sink and Dylan O’Brien, and also for Swift’s cottage-core directing style.

 Her SNL performance was also hailed as a success by critics, fans, and other stars. Rather than opting for the regular two performances, scattered between the SNL skits, Swift chose to do one 10 minute long performance of “All To Well” (Taylor’s Version) (From the Vault) – wow, that is quite the title. The performance even had fake snow that fell from the ceiling as she delivered the final 3 minutes of the song. 

All in all it is a good week to be a Swiftie and a bad week to be a Gyllenhaalenator (I might have just coined this term, so give me credit). Although their relationship happened over ten years ago, it did not matter to the Swifties who prepared themselves for war against Jake and his fans. Gyllenhaal has yet to speak about the new song, movie, or performance, but it is probably certain that he is feeling pretty down in the dumps right now. Maybe send him some love by streaming Taylor’s new song.