Thanksgiving. Every joke about it has already been made. This is not an “Everybody fights about politics at Thanksgiving.” article. It’s not a “we all hate our families and have to see them at thanksgiving” article. It’s not a “good” article. I’m just a satire editor, standing in front of a reader, trying to make a deadline. But the holidays are hard, and this season is about giving. So,  being the absolute pillar of goodwill that I am, I give you this, instead of donating to charity. 

1. TANKSgiving

Wear your favorite tank top. Arrive in a tank. Instead of bringing the cranberry sauce you were responsible for, roll up with fish tanks in hand. Packed to the brim with tropical fish. No water. Take THAT Christopher Columbus.

1. HANKSgiving

Tom Hanks is America’s sweetheart. Watch his movies instead of attending your brother’s last Thanksgiving before he goes off to school. Is your brother a versatile dramatic actor who is also taken seriously as a producer? Is your brother married to pop/county sensation, Rita Wilson? Unless your brother is Thomas Hanks, the answer is no. 

1. BANKSgiving

Banks are closed on thanksgiving. Protest this instead of spending time with the people you love most.  This one also works in tandem with HANKSgiving because of the film saving mr BANKS

1. FRANKSgiving

Just spend thanksgiving like you would any other Thursday: chugging frank’s red hot while blasting the timeless melodies of the “Sultan of Swoon” himself, Frank Sinatra. 

1. RANKSgiving

Obligated to attend thanksgiving? Don’t fret! In an act of resistance, rank your family members. You can get creative here. Are you ranking on who voted the worst, who looks the oldest, who smells the oldest, how much you remember them from the last thanksgiving, who would win in a fight? 

1. CRANKsgiving

Drown out your sorrows by Cranking that Soulja boy. 

That is all.