When it comes to men named John, we can all agree that they shouldn’t be allowed to have the same haircut because that is too confusing for me.

Don’t think my “No Two Johns Alike” bill should make it to the Senate? Then take for example, the two men who get mistaken for one another constantly at Winchester, two masters at their craft who part their hair on the right side and wear it at about the same length: John Maione and John Mulaney. No, you’re not reading double, those are two different names.

It’s very clear that while there is more than enough room for both of them in our hearts, there’s not enough room for both of them in this town. But until their PayPerView showdown airs on March 16th, we’ll just have to go on struggling to tell which one is which, and to behave appropriately in their presence.

Every time I see John Maione, I’m like, “I loved New In Town.” And his first question is always, “What?” and his second question is always “Who are you?” And my first response is always “Sorry, I thought you were John Mulaney… again.” And my second response is always “I’m the girl who was in guitar ensemble.” And this happens at least a couple of times a day and then it’s time to go home. 

It’s just as embarrassing when I’m talking to John Mulaney, and I’m like “Great job with orchestra this year.” But he’s always just like “Thanks,” because he’s so polite and non-confrontational. And just in case, he always asks me “Do I know you?” and I try to trick him by saying “Yes, you do. We’re married.” But it never works.

So in an effort to spare everyone from this profound awkwardness, I’ve compiled a list that you can print out, fold up, and then pull out of your pocket and nervously uncrumple whenever you run into Mr. Maione or Mr. Mulaney.

1. If he’s Irish, he’s John Mulaney. If he comes from a culture with real cuisine and a better relationship with emotions and alcohol, he’s John Maione, who is famously Italian. 
2. If he says Each. Word. Like. It’s. Own. VER-Y. Important. Little. Sentence. It’s John Edmund Mulaney. 
3. If he won’t stop talking about music people at Pitt, it’s John Maione. If he won’t stop talking about New York City, It’s John Mulaney. 
4. If he’s neurotic it’s Mulaney. If he’s an unbothered king, he’s Maione. 
5. If he likes Brian Salipante better than me, because he can “play his instrument,” he’s John Maione :’( but if he likes Nick Kroll better than me because they “know one another” it’s John Mulaney.
6. If he plays a cool guy from the ’60s in a broadway play, then he’s John Mulaney, but if he is a cool guy from the ’60s, he’s John Maione
7. If he’s talking about taking his grandkids’ trick or treating, It’s John Maione. If he’s always reminiscing about his boyhood hijinks, or lamenting the trials of adult life, and spinning these musings into whimsical yet believable tales that are packed with heart and hilarity it’s John Mulaney.
8. If he pulled off long hair in quarantine, it’s John Maione.

Thanks for reading, I hope this helps! And if you didn’t catch Mr. Maione on Saturday Night Live over the weekend, make sure to check it out.