It’s no secret that the NFL is stalling. After the Super Bowl logged a semi-acceptable 114 million viewers in 2015, the league’s popularity has taken a turn for the worse. Goodell’s regime is as unpredictable as it is harsh. The athletes of today fear CTE tomorrow. The towering majesty known as Heinz Fied has been degraded into what some call “Acrisure Stadium.” America’s real pastime is in dire need of a refresh, like what they just did to the Fern Hollow Bridge. I’ve taken the initiative to think up some new rules for an updated, better NFL. 

The Fresh Faces Policy

A defending team can use a timeout so that the offense must use entirely different personnel for the next play.

“Harbaugh’s gambit seemed to have backfired–this Kenny Pickett kid is WAY better than Trubisky anyway.”

The Far and Wide Bonus

If there’s a second (and more) holding call against the offense in one drive—the penalty is ten yards plus the distance that the held defender can long jump.

Ex: “DeForest Buckner makes it an 10.2 yard penalty against the Cowboys.”

The Bank is Open Exception

If you kick a field goal and it hits an upright, you get five points.

Ex: “Boswell from 55 yards… and the Steelers take the win in Cincinnatti!”

The Walk a Mile in Their Shoes 

If you’re up by more than 14 points going into the 4th quarter, one of your eleven players has to dress up in the mascot uniform for the first drive.

Ex: “We’re not sure whether that humongous ripped guy is TJ Watt or Steely McBeam, but either way, Joe Burrow looks scared.”

The Forest Gump Allowance

In the last two minutes of a game, if you score a touchdown, you can immediately turn around and go to the other endzone for six more points and continue turning around until tackled. With every additional score, the other team gets an extra defender, but they have to spin three times before pursuing.

Ex: “George Pickens stiff arms the defender! And George Pickens takes it the other way and scores again! And George Pickens turns back around and scores for a third time! And George Pickens, looking a little short of breath, swivels and scores yet another! And George Pickens–”

The Tell the Punter We Don’t Need his Help Policy

Instead of a coin toss to determine who chooses to kick or receive, there’s a game of tug-of-war instead.

Ex: “We’re going to get started with the game of tug-of-war and… oh! Christian McCaffrey is hurt again.”

The Groundhog Day Rule

A quarterback can run back 30 yards from the line of scrimmage to re-do the down. If they get tackled before 30 yards, it’s a normal sack. 

Ex: “Brady turns around! He’s going for the Groundhog Day! #12 stumbles five yards… and looks like he can’t get up.”

The Double Whammy Mechanism

If you use the first overall pick and he isn’t a pro-bowler at least once within five seasons, you have to rename your home field to “Acrisure stadium.”

[Baker Mayfield laughs from 400 miles away.]

The Skin in the Game Clause

A head coach must play at least one down in which he possesses the ball. They don’t have to hold it for super long–there just has to be a brief instance in which the brains of the operation remembers the primal fear of having eleven warriors trying to forcefully take him to the ground.

Ex: “Belichik gets the ball! Oh… oh no… Myles Garrett did the thing again.”