The SATS are coming up. I may not be feeling at the top of my game but at least my middle name isn’t Rudolph! Take THAT, long deceased President Gerald Ford! My parents had the common sense to middle-name me after the BEST reindeer: Comet.

• gerald RUDOLPH ford

Look I don’t mean to be rude (dolph), but Gerald, were you born before Christmas was invented? (Please keep reading I promise we can only go up from here)

• richard MILHOUS nixon

This is the only bad thing about Richard Nixon that I’ve ever heard. I believe this is what led to his demise, and his famous quote “I am not a crook, a Mill or a House, contrary to what Woodward & Bernstein and my middle name might suggest.” But you know what they say, the best marker of success in the White House is getting the most pathetic character on the Simpsons named after you. 

• harry “S” BUT IT STANDS FOR NOTHING truman

Either have a middle name or don’t. But this decoy initial stuff? That’s just suspicious.

• warren GAMALIEL harding

Harding really remarked, “I have no trouble with my enemies. I can take care of them, all right.” during a 1921 gathering of confidantes but still has the audacity to have a middle name that sounds like a made-up herbal tea. I’ll believe it when I see it, Warren Harding. But I’ll never see it, because one of us has been dead for 92 years (it’s you, Warren Harding, or as I like to call you, Borin’ Softing)! 

• rutherford BIRCHARD hayes

Funny doesn’t lie. This one speaks for itself. 

• franklin ALLEGEDLY “K” BUT REMAINS AN UNSOLVED MYSTERY pierce

Why so shady Franklin Pierce? 

(So, do you guys think it was Kendall, Khloe, Kylie, Kourtney or Kris?)

• joseph ROBINETTE biden

Why would it be Robinette?? Don’t look it up. What could the reason possibly be? Why did we as a republic just stand by and accept this? Like it’s normal? A little sniffy? No problem. Too old? Not an issue. Fine wine. But this? This is where I draw the line.

Do you think he just meant to say “Robert” at his inauguration and got confused and Wikipedia was like “Shoot I guess we better change that?”

That’s all. God bless America, and god bless President Franklin Kylie Pierce.