Aquarius:

It is your birthday season! As you approach the day of your birth you have been trying to gauge how many embarrassing photos your friends have of you. Let’s just say it is not looking good so you better start hoping Instagram crashes before your friends can curate a ‘happy birthday’ post. 

Pisces:

This month the Calvin Klein guy is your Valentine. 

Sagittarius:

This month, you will be partaking in the yearly Instagram cleanse, of which you will gaslight yourself into thinking you can quit. But in your sleep, we can hear you saying, “One more hit… one more hit.”

Cancer:

Haha exhale.

Taurus:

After a particularly long morning meeting you fell asleep in Computer Science. During this cat nap you had a dream that the world was ending and everyone but you still had Valentines. 

Virgo:

Your New Year’s resolution was not to fall in love. But how can you when Walker Scobell is playing Percy? Guys, I swear he’s 15.

Scorpio:

The different-grade romances are hitting this month. Be sure to jump in on the action. 

Libra:

While love is blooming all around you this month it seems that Cupid forgot to hit you with his arrow. In hopes of some romance you have started acting confused in your local Goodwill. 

Gemini:

The stretch between winter and spring break has you questioning how necessary a high school education is. Being a house spouse doesn’t require one, right?

Leo:

You saw a glimmer of sunlight the other day and it brought you to tears. Don’t worry summer is only four slushy months away!

Aries:

Valentine’s Day as a single has you wishing for a Gypsy Rose Blanchard and Nicholas Godejohn type relationship; it looks like the seasonal depression has hit a little too hard this year. “Can’t bring me down, I’m on high right now!”

Capricorn:

When the Galentine’s group is getting smaller and smaller, start celebrating Groundhog Day! What’s cuter than a holiday fueled by the patriarchy and small rodents ;)?