A vessel as primitive as a water bottle may seem simple to some, but to others, choosing a water bottle is a decision of extremely high stakes, pressure, and can make OR BREAK a relationship. Although one could write encyclopedias, entire personal-enlightenment essays, and maybe even a new section of Hammurabi’s code, explaining this social phenomenon, I will do you the favor of simplifying it. 

1. Stanley 

Now, there exists a single word that I could quite easily use to describe these water bottles, but for the sake of good journalism, I will elaborate further. Trendy and extremely popular amongst pre-teen girls or millenial women, Stanleys make a big presence here at our fine institution. Although, yes, they are inconvenient in size, and yes, they trigger a fear of falling with a straw in my mouth leading to my untimely demise, the colors offered by Stanley are to be admired. My personal favorite is their Oceanic Blue, which I’m sure the turtles eating the “out of style” straws can agree with. 

2. Nalgene

You’re either really cool, or really really cool (completely unbiased opinion). Nalgene water bottles come in a wide variety of styles, patterns, and personalities. On the axis between granola teenager to upcoming man in finance, I would say the Nalgene floats untethered from pole to pole. I know many people purchase Nalgenes from REI with some inspirational quote on them, even though they have never in fact gone hiking or camping or whatever else REI is for besides water bottles (untargeted unsponsored), but the Nalgene is still almost the perfect water bottle. Its one fatal flaw however, is the extremely large-sized exit point for water. I always end up spilling water all over myself, making a fool of myself while trying to simply hydrate in fashion.

3. Hydroflask 

The infamous, fallen king of the court. While yes, Hydroflasks are still a very good water bottle and a respectable choice, they have fallen drastically from their peak in 2019. The first aspect that is extremely disappointing is the change of the sippy-cup lid. As a sippy-cup lid connoisseur (and lover) myself, I can conclude that the new design is flawed, disappointing, and unpleasant to the eye. After trying many different sippy cup lids, I can conclude that this one is lower-middle of the pack, largely due to its extreme splash when trying to close the lid. It’s an unexplainable phenomenon, but somehow everyone within a 100 yard distance must be prepared for the splash-zone super-soaker event that happens whenever I am trying to close my water bottle. Other than this disappointing fault, the water bottle keeps water cold, offers many colors AND lid options, and is overall not a horrible choice. 

4. Owala 

While I firmly believe that the theory that “while drinking an Owala you ‘look like a koala’” is NOT true, I believe that this is a respectable brand. A change in the game with their interesting color combos and unique lids. Extra points for a discrete sippy cup option. Owala is the peacemaker between water chuggers and straw lid users. While yes, seeing everyone reveal the water mold built up in the cap on TikTok shook me to my core (not sure if this is relatable or if I’m chronically online), I am still a believer in Owala and their success. Also, whoever took my Owala, sleep with one eye open, because I will find you. Owala, if you see this, I am still open for PR and a brand new water bottle, after grieving the loss of my own.