Valentine’s Day is around the corner, love is in the air and so is the feeling of loneliness. If you need a bae or boo, here are 9 helpful tips and tricks for you to snag that crush of yours. And trust us, we’re the experts, all of these will work like a dream.
Male manipulation music:
Have you ever wondered how to connect with your huzz? Well, look no further! Male Manipulator music is the perfect talking point to ensure that anyone you’re talking to will be devastated when the conversation ends. Radiohead, The Smiths, and the Arctic Monkeys are all names you should say when asked about your favorite band. To charm them even more, sing lyrics to a male manipulator song (I recommend ‘Creep’ by Radiohead or ‘Mr. Brightside’ by The Killers).
Take inspiration from animals (dancing, wearing bright colors, fighting each other, etc):
Sometimes, to find a partner, you must look to nature for the answer. Taking inspiration from animals is the newest trend! Just look at birds, the men are brightly colored to attract women, you hear that? Bring back middle school highlighter culture! Dancing can also be beneficial, whether in the form of fornite emotes or classic ballroom dance, woo that crush with your sweet moves. Or if all fails you could just do what deer do: FIGHT ANOTHER PERSON TO THE DEATH!!
Get a mullet or bowl cut:
Haven’t you heard? Mullets and bowl cuts are all the rage right now, seriously! Just look at the sophomore class! You know who you are. Anyway, nothing is more attractive than a good mullet or bowl cut, so if you’re thinking of growing your hair out, don’t! That is a foolproof way to lose any possible partners! Head on down to your local barber shop and ask them for a mullet, a bowl cut, or even a rattail. If you’re feeling extra drippy, ask them for some microbangs! All the fashionistas know that there’s nothing better than a good microbang.
Aggressively beg them to go out with you.
So, they rejected you. Well, good news! You can always beg them to give you a second chance! When doing this, make sure to drop to your knees and clasp your hands together in a praying motion (look at the picture for visual example). Showing your emotional side will show your crush how dedicated you truly are. Remember, this won’t work if you don’t beg, so really put your all into it! Bawl your heart out. Scream and cry. Make sure they know how you feel! Doing this in a public place in front of civilians and friends will increase your level of success.
Use dark magic!
Oh, the wonders of dark magic, just do a quick TikTok search and you’ll find many witches and warlocks that’ll be willing to do a love spell for you. Those lovely witches will bring you back with your ex, rekindle an old situationship, or even make every person you meet fall in love with you. Just make sure to give them your credit card number and the last 4 digits of your social security number just so it can be personal to you!
Don’t shower!
Do you know what’s the hottest thing for a guy or gal to do to impress a person? Woo them with your pheromones, and make sure they cannot just smell but taste that musk of yours. Make sure you never wash your hair or your body, you’ve gotta be disgusting. Even take a dirt bath like chinchillas, just don’t take a bath with soap and water! Most likely if you’re reading this it’ll be an update.
Tattoo their name on your forehead:
We all know that getting a tattoo of your partner’s name is the key to a long-lasting relationship, so why not speed up the process? If you tattoo their name on your forehead before your date, they will see how brave and devoted you are to them! Don’t be afraid to get it big and bold. You might as well go all out! The placement of the forehead tattoo is crucial, so don’t try to make it less visible! In a world of ‘playing hard to get’, you will stand out to any potential mates. Don’t worry about getting rejected, with a tattoo so bold, they won’t be able to resist you!
Post every thought on Instagram notes:
If you have feelings or thoughts to share, don’t invest in a journal. Just post to Instagram notes! Who needs therapy when you could just share every thought you have with your followers? Things like “Nobody wants me…” or “I’m so lonely…” will have all of the baddies flocking to you! I’ve heard that being pathetic and vulnerable is making a comeback this year, so try to be as emotional as possible!
Cry.
Do you need a how-to guide to cry in front of your crush? Man, you are desperate.
From Witches to Tattoos, there are so many ways to get a partner during Valentine’s season. But remember that you are more than just a relationship and if you don’t want one that’s okay too. You just do what you want! <3
Your local love experts,
Jae and Abbey
