Facial piercings are one of the best ways to customize your character, and a great conversation starter. If you have ever seen me, you’ll know why this is the first topic I chose to write about. If you decide to get any of these, please come talk to me. I will give you tips and then jump up and down with joy and excitement for you.

1. Nostril Piercing

A classic. Cute and dainty, but just enough to give you a bit of an edge. Versatile in jewelry options, with hoops, studs, chains, and dangles galore. Don’t be fooled, however. These will always give you problems, whether you just got the piercing or if it’s been healed for years. God forbid you try to change your jewelry. Now your piercing is bright red, leaking plasma, and suddenly rejecting any jewelry you try to put in. Take my advice: If you get this piercing, DO NOT try to change the jewelry yourself. You will be left a shell of the person you once were, dejected and forced to make the walk of shame to your closest piercing shop, bright red leaking nose and all. Beautiful, but a pain. 8/10

2. Septum Piercing

I think everyone should have their septum pierced. It was my first facial piercing, and is still my favorite. It goes through a very thin piece of skin separating your nostrils, and is super quick and maybe a 3/10 on the pain scale. It fits everyone perfectly, since it’s unique to your nose anatomy, has a ton of unique jewelry for every aesthetic, and once it’s fully healed you can even stretch the piercing and stack multiple rings or use higher gauge jewelry. Not to mention, if you decide you want to look like a regular civilian again, you can flip it up with horseshoe jewelry, and taking it out won’t leave any visible hole or scar. If I was president I would issue an executive order to require babies to have their septum pierced at birth. 10/10

3. Eyebrow Piercing

A gnarly scar just waiting to happen. While essential to living out your dreams of being a 90’s nu-metal band member, these piercings aren’t anchored in anything except the skin around your eyebrow, which causes tension on the piercing and (usually) leads to it slowly pushing out of your skin, until it’s attached by nothing but a pitiful sliver of skin. A common phenomenon associated with this piercing is the owner being unable to recognize its rejection, and clinging onto it for as long as possible, leaving them with the ghost of a piercing once cherished, and probably a bald spot too. Sick, but short-lived. 7/10

4. Vertical Labret Piercing

I may be a bit biased… but this piercing, while not having many jewelry options, is one of the cutest lip piercings. It goes through only the outside of your lip, so the risk of tooth damage and gum recession is avoided. It doesn’t get in the way as much as one might think (unless you’re biting into something like an apple), is super easy to change the jewelry for, and doesn’t take long to heal. Do NOT make the mistake of eating something spicy while it’s fresh though. You will regret it. Cute, safe, and prompts people to ask about how it feels in an attempt to kiss you. 9/10.

5. Cheek Piercings

This set of piercings is usually used to mimic the appearance of dimples. They’re very anatomy dependent, and have to be pierced in the empty spot between your salivary glands, so before you get them pierced you have to endure the feeling of what I can describe only as an overzealous grandma pinching your cheeks inside and out. Additionally, the healing process is difficult and lengthy, with you having to downsize the jewelry as many as 5 or 6 times to avoid cracking a tooth, burning a hole in your wallet. While being super cute, they aren’t worth the healing process. 6/10. 

6. Nasallang Piercing

It pained me to even have to look up pictures of this. This piercing goes through three layers: your right nostril, septum, and left nostril. The amount of pain this piercing causes is immeasurable. People who get this piercing when they could have simply pierced their nostrils scare me. I don’t want to have to look at this picture and imagine the pain anymore. 0/10.