A recent study conducted by statistics and data science students at Winchester Thurston has concluded that the safest way to cross Centre Avenue at Morewood, a necessary peril to reach the Davis Center, is not in fact by simply blindly obeying the walk sign like some sort of complacent sheeple.

Rather, the safest way to cross is actually by jaywalking.

Such a finding is not unprecedented in these pages. Three years ago, former Co-Editor-in-Chief Daniel Kochupura published an opinion piece arguing for exactly this practice. As Kochupura astutely wrote, “[I]n real life, jaywalking is often a safer option than crossing at the corner during the light… people are more careful when they’re jaywalking. When you cross at the light, there’s an entitlement; there’s a complacency.” But now, WT’s young statisticians have found data to back up these assertions.

In a shocking finding, 100% of dangerous traffic-related incidents that involved WT affiliates at the Centre-Morewood intersection occurred when the person in question was using the crosswalk. Zero jaywalking incidents (other than minor emotional trauma or embarrassment suffered after being caught in the act) have resulted in injury to WT affiliates. The study posits that jaywalkers have increased vigilance and that since cars can see people right in front of them, rather than from the side as they make quick turns, they are less likely to hit pedestrians.

For fear of retribution, the authors of the study have elected to remain anonymous, but they did respond to my emailed questions. “This really confirms a fact that all WT students have wanted to believe for many, many years. In a sense, the fact that jaywalking is safer is the kind of traditional knowledge that modern academia tends to reject out of hand. This is a real victory for the people.”

Despite an astonishingly low p-value of 0.01, school authorities, however, remain unconvinced, and have announced in response that anyone caught jaywalking will be forced to sit out of advisory the following week. In what they assured me was an unrelated development, jaywalking has since surged.

Many don’t know that the term jaywalking originated in auto manufacturers seeking to shift the responsibility of traffic collisions from automobiles to pedestrians. This was part of a broader effort to convince the populace that the streets are for cars, not people, a vast encroachment on the traditional domain of the humble walker.

The word “jaywalking” is a weapon wielded by the bourgeoisie to keep the working class down, to bully them into yielding their rights, to brainwash them into believing that if they get hit by a car, it must be their fault. Pedestrians must seize the means of crossing and return this power to the hands of the people.

The jaywalking regime might be considered something of a local example of Michel Foucault’s panopticon view of modern society. Foucault, inspired by Jeremy Bentham’s imagined circular prison design, where inmates never know whether they are being observed by a guard and so live in constant fear, argued that this is how the powers that be enforce discipline in modern society.

WT students never know who might be watching when they choose to exercise their God-given American right to “do their own research” and jaywalk, and so, they live in constant fear, forced to conform to an irrational standard. The desired effect is “self-regulation,” and indeed, this mechanism of control has been quite effective.

Indeed, jaywalking is sometimes used as an excuse by police officers to stop and detain racial minorities in a pervasive form of racial profiling. While such discrimination is not at all in play here at WT, there exists a clear denial of the statistical realities of this world.

WT students, you must ask yourself: Do you trust the so-called “scientists” who say that jaywalking is dangerous?

NOTICE: Voices does not condone jaywalking nor is it responsible for any injuries sustained while crossing the street. The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily represent those of the author. Jaywalking is not intended for all consumers. Readers should consult their doctor before taking up jaywalking. Side effects may include being on time, looking cool, and minor spikes in adrenaline.