Shocking information has recently come to light regarding the use of school funds. For years, Winchester students have questioned the use of their tuition payments, citing disappearing tissues and pencil sharpeners as suspicious signs of backroom dealings among the administrators. For the 2016-2017 school year, students are now paying up to $28,500 each, and finally, answers have come out as to where that money is going: Mr. Niels’ brand new Lamborghini.

Teachers throughout the school have experienced sharp budget cuts over the past few years. Dr. Andy and Mr. Hallas have been put under so much strain by their wage decreases that they’ve begun carpooling to and from school together every day. In the Spring, Mr. Marx’s printers had to be put up for auction in order to afford Ms. T-Mac’s going away party. Because teachers are no longer able to afford their own assigned textbooks, the AP Literature class has been forced to read Dr. Seuss’ Cat in the Hat and AP Economics is halfway into Yertle the Turtle. Even Dr. Naragon’s desk is now completely clean after having all of his notebooks and papers shredded in order to produce the next edition of Voices with the recycled pulp. Dr. Horton even had to revert to using safety scissors taken from the lower school for her AP Biology students’ dissections. It was a wonder how through all of this, Mr. Niels could afford a brand new Lamborghini Aventador with a custom paint job done by Pablo Picasso. His choice of Gucci Belts and Luis Vuitton shoes have also raised eyebrows.

Through a series of investigations, our team has uncovered evidence that 90% of tuition payments are being taken up by Mr. Niels’ personal fund, with 20% of that going directly towards a 20-foot statue of himself in the lobby. In the Christmas spirit, Mr. Niels was heard describing his new Rolex as a “present from [himself], to [himself].” This holiday season, we’re hoping Mr. Niels might donate one of his spare Porsches for Mr. Hallas to drive from school to the golf course and back.

Note: All salaries at WT are benchmarked against national salaries of comparable positions at comparable schools. This article is completely satire, and is simply participating in discussion on the school’s allocation of funds, but is not meant to attack Mr. Niels or any other administrators.