Oh, freshmen. Between the lockers and in the hallways, you might seem annoying, but deep down we all know it’s in pursuit of love and happiness. Navigating between school buildings, keeping track of your schedule, figuring out how to make out with each other, dealing with homework: the list of challenges goes on and on. Luckily, we have some tips for you to find that special someone (& just in time for cuffing season!)

1. Obstruct the paths of others. If you aren’t in the way, you haven’t established yourself as the alpha. You must be an alpha to attract any potential partner.
2. To heck with the dress code! If you’ve got it, flaunt it.
3. To show your potential S.O. your sensitive side, start crying whenever they speak to you (if they ever speak to you.) This lets them know that you’re “not afraid to cry” and “have feelings.”
4. Demonstrate your value by throwing your crush out of a 2nd floor library window. Doing this shows off your impressive strength while also hinting that you’re willing to “sweep them off their feet.”
5. Keeping a snap streak going shows responsibility and proves that you care enough about them to send at least one picture per day. Connecting through Snapchat is also a great way to verify the existence of your face. If you don’t have snapchat, sending pictures of yourself looking bored via text every day works just as well.
6. Prove you’re not afraid of commitment. If you see that your crush is talking to any other people, change their contact pictures to pictures of clowns. This will make your future babe fear the numbers, making them run straight into your non-clown arms.
7. Physical touch speaks volumes. Make your interest known by making you and your future cuddle buddy a Two Person Macarena. This is most effective when you palm their entire face mid-conversation, and just hold your hand there until they fall in love with you (or until Community Time ends.)
8. Fall for them. Literally. There’s nothing that turns on a potential partner more than being quirky and clumsy at the same time. You should try to trip or fall over AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. Doing this exhibits confidence while also hinting that you’re “falling for them.”
9. Be Christopher Porco. This is the only fail-safe method. Unfortunately, not everyone can be Christopher Porco. Only Christopher Porco can achieve the magnificent gravity yet nuanced subtlety it takes to be Christopher Porco. We all want to be Christopher Porco.