How to Waste Time

Margaret Balich

Feeling overwhelmed by the end of the trimester? Sick and tired of catering to your teachers’ doting phrases, like “Get this assignment done or I’m going to have to fail you, Margaret,” or “I’ve never had a less-motivated and bitter student than you?” Well, I’ve got a few Hot-and-Ready solutions for you that require little effort and maximum amounts of wasted time.


1. Start a long TV series on Netflix. Like, a REALLY long TV series. When you’re bored or don’t feel like doing your homework, just turn on your laptop or cellular phone and begin watching away! You can choose from a myriad of options on Netflix or Hulu, such as the British coming-of-age classic Skins on Netflix, running 61 episodes long and 45 minutes each. You could also hit up Hulu for Love Island, a British (British TV is entertaining, okay? Their accents are fun and their teeth are crooked. It’s perfect.) reality series that has 50 episodes PER SERIES that run an hour each. Talk about a binge-watch. And, if you don’t have Netflix or Hulu, 123movies is assuredly still around to provide the free, illegal, low-quality movies of your wildest dreams — or should I say streams. Yes, I watched the entirety of Euphoria through 123movies over the summer. No, I do not have any regrets about it.


2. Go to bed early. As early as you want, honestly. Say you have a paper for politics due first period, monologues to practice for winter play auditions, and two college applications to finish in the next three days. An easy solution? Getting in bed at 7 pm and sleeping for 12 hours. Tested by yours truly, this choice will boost your immune system through the cold, sick winter months and provide unlimited amounts of energy. You’ll vibrate on such a high plane of existence that you won’t need to eat or breathe anymore.


3. Check NetClassroom 20+ times per weekday and 5+ times per weekend. You’re trying to tell me that my grade in AP Computer Science has been a 57% for three weeks straight, Mrs. Sickler? That can’t be right. Look, I’ve calculated all of my assignments out and that’s literally impossible. Listen, Kate. I DON’T FAIL. This is Winchester Thurston, for God’s sakes. It’s MY college future on the line, isn’t it? Lord above, you better give us test corrections or I’ll—


Some other options include: Listening to DHL by Frank Ocean until your ears bleed, taking up Communism as a fun after-school hobby, crying, taking visual art commissions from political dissidents, reading emo poetry, writing emo poetry, and dripping Frank’s Red Hot into your eyes.