Estimating Soccer Boy Offseason Fits:

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Helen Zhang, Staff Writer

Oh No! Christmas is fast approaching and you don’t have a present for your loved ones, or you’re planning to treat yourself and don’t know where to start. Not to fear, Voices is here to provide you with inspiration. We are very aware of the popularity and ratings that the “Rating Soccer Boy gameday ties/fits ” series has garnered, as well as this half-truth notion of it laying dormant until next fall. Because of audience desire and corporate greed, we have decided to bring you some much needed advice for Christmas!!

 

Case 1: Morning Hype Beast

Beaten up Pharell NMDs:

-Probably comfortable because it has adidas boost(liKE wAlkIng on CloUDz)

-Conjures up image of your white maltese rolling in a murky puddle on the sidewalk during a rainy day(Visual Appeal)

-Has at least a baker’s dozen of small holes, and gaining more each day

Sweatpants:

-From a fast-fashion store for retail price

-Saggy and loose

-Feels like a hoodie you’d buy at Marshalls’ clearance aisle

Bape Shirt: 

-2 Bape heads surrounded by flowers, one for each pectoral plate (anatomically accurate)

-Purple(Go Bears! – Felix Bhattacharya)

-I like the shade of blue that’s between baby blue and turquoise

North Face Fleece: 

-Like we established, this is divine and derived from Jesus Christ himself

-Like a Polar Bear, but not its armpit

Case 2: Sasquatch

Puma Suedes: 

-Underrated, so you can find them heavily discounted

-Suede starts with an S, so does Sasquatch

Khaki Sweatpants: 

Is it sweatpants? Is it Khakis?

-Versatility because you can wear it to a fancy dinner party, or lounging around with friends

 (you can’t tell what it is)

Hoodie: 

-has boat oars on front, which conjures up images of rowing and other aquatic activities

-Ivy leagues love rowing, so this hoodie is about to get whoever into college

-Above leads to the prices for one of these being sky high because your mom is paying a premium, but unlimited quantity brings it down

 

Case 3: Silly Otto

Vans: 

-Black and dirty white = muted color scheme= Avant Garde

-Classic silhouette that indulges in Avant garde, but still respects original property

Adidas Sweatpants: 

-Like camo without patterning

-Opposite to Nike, which is also in this fit

-Probably made by little asian children in a sweatshop

Nike Sweater: 

light yellow and green; much more pleasant shade of lemon lime gatorade

-probably very comfortable

-We caught him wearing nike and adidas in the same fit (sinful)

 

Case 4: I’m a little bit country

Nike Cortez:

Beaten up

-Really good shoe though

-Racist name though

-Colors reminiscent of pepsi(Coke>Pepsi)

Blue Jeans: 

-Better for getting attention than an armani suit

-Perfect for herding cattle and leaving in the middle of nowhere

-suggested accessory: Straw in mouth as to give off country vibe

-will help you marry into Ree Drummond’s family, appearing on the next episode of “The Pioneer Woman”

PIAA State Champion hoodie: 

-No longer in production; Resale prices should be high in the future when 2021 fashion men’s fashion becomes “vintage”

-Solid blocking of purple and grey is aesthetically pleasing

 

Case 5: James K. Polk, Napoleon of the Stump

Non-Leather Doc Martens: 

Neither Leather nor Vegan Leather

-Aesthetic score:10/10

-Utilitarian Use :1/10

Grey Pants:

A Classic, but also extremely basic

Belt: 

One thing that isn’t “monochrome” , but dark brown

-Definitely the focal point of the whole fit

Wool sweater: 

-Also extremely basic

-Is Frankie a soccer boy? I’m not sure.

 

Case 6: Pedro and Pablo Vicario

Pedro(Nick)

Ultra Boosts:

-Absolutely wrecked

High Socks: 

-Definitely the best part

-Rolled down are an allusion to something bouncy, like accordions or springs

-Just fun!

Black Hurley Sweatpants: 

-Most likely from Costco

-Always available

 

Pablo(Will)

-Adidas Shoes:

-Red, Blue, White, Gum bottoms(What’s not to like?)

-Quite Patriotic, I suppose

-Pants:

-Like sweatpants, but also middle school uniform pants

-Probably comfortable?

-Vintage Patagonia:

Different shades of blue+white so aesthetically pleasing

-Vintage is the trend now, so there’s definitely a teenage girl who’d pay a premium for this

Case 7: Alex <3 Nike

Nike Lunch Box: 

I didn’t know that Nike made Lunch boxes, but I’m intrigued

Nike Sweater: 

Orange + Dark blue is kind of reminds me of a plate of tangerines and blueberries; it’s fresh, tangy, fruity, sweet, whatchamacallit

-embroidered logo, so textural and depth element

 

But Rishi on the other hand….

Sketcher boots:

-99% chance that these are Sketchers x Gucci x North face collab

-Made with the best materials in the land

-silhouette is simply iconic

-secretly travis scott jordans made for hiking

Sweatpants:

-Most definitely burberry, made out of the finest Italian goat wool

Shirt: 

it’s the background of Travis Scott’s album “Astroworld”

-This makes it travis scott merchandise

North Face fleece: 

Green

-Perfect for hiding in trees to ambush people

-Actually the camouflage that the vietcong would use

-This definitely beats the Polar Bear fleece

 

And that concludes the end of the Article. We here at Voices wish you a good holiday season, and that this guide gave you some inspiration for presents, or made you want to buy some of the items listed. But, the ultimate lesson may be that Rishi Muhkerjee is the true guru of men’s fashion at Winchester Thurston.