Did They Have A Crush On You Or Were You Just Their Spork Target?

Brynne McSorley, Satire Editor

Somebody has been acting very familiar in your presence, evoking the age-old question: Do they have a crush on you, or were you just their spork target? You may never know the answer because Mackenna got them out. And then she got you out. But that doesn’t prove anything because she got everybody out. What you do know though, is that a couple of weeks ago this person was unable to take their eyes off of you. They waited for you after class, and their friends eagerly nudged them and pointed you out as you walked by. Sure, the weather’s been warming up, and love is in the air, but so is coldly calculated vengeance. Either you looked really good at semi, or this person just longed to see a crestfallen expression wash over your face as you felt tiny prongs press into your shoulder and realized that they had robbed you of your one and only spork. So, because social cues are hard, and I am perfect, I’ve compiled a list of my most-asked questions and answered them all. 

  1. What does it mean if they were always asking me questions like “Am I gonna see you at that thing tonight?”

This might seem like an open and shut case: “they wanted to see you!” But not so fast, because if they added something like “spork is so lame I’m not bringing my spork. You shouldn’t either. Don’t bring your spork.” then it probably wasn’t meant to be. Sure, maybe later you’ll ask them if you were their spork target, and they’ll say “No, I had some freshman.” and you’ll be like “Liar! You told me not to bring my spork that one time.” And they’ll be like, “Yeah, that was for my little sister’s bat mitzvah? And not the reception, like the intimate religious ceremony part. So even though I shouldn’t even have had to, I asked you to leave it at home. I didn’t want you to bring your spork.” And then you’ll either apologize or not, but I do not take responsibility (unless of course, it all works out better than you could have possibly dreamed, in which case it was all part of my plan). 

  1. What does it mean if I often caught them looking at me & picking me out in a crowd?

Being watched can feel awkward. But there is a set of questions you can use to subtly feel out the situation. If they start charging in your direction and rummaging through their pockets each time they see you, try popping a casual inquiry like “are we about to kiss right now?” If they’re about to spork you it will confuse them. If they do have a crush on you it will confuse them. If all else fails you could always just say, “Hey I noticed you’ve been kind of following me around a lot lately.” Sure, they might get defensive and say something like“‘Following you??’ We have the same exact schedule.’” Or “I’m your teacher and the trimester is ending. I am literally just trying to collect your late assignments.” But you’ll know the truth.

  1. What does it mean if they kept poking me with their spork, and saying “you’re out?”

This is a tough one. As we evolve we tend to find more mature ways to express our admiration for one another. Poking is famously one of those ways. Next time they say “you’re out” just say “yeah, out on a date with you!” and see how they respond. After all, there’s an old Irish dating that goes: “Pokin’ someone in the shoulder is like Stokin’ the flames of love to let ‘em smolder.” Or, of course, you could just be their spork target, in which case you would be out.

At the end of the day you might be left wondering,“Brynne, why can’t I just ask them directly?” Because that would be easy, and then you’d both be happy. And that’s not what spork, high school, or love are about, silly! But you’re still dying to know: were they pursuing you or victory? They might have been doing both. Perhaps they bribed Julia Stern or even Kevin Miller so that you would be paired for spork. Or maybe, just maybe, they’re following you because you owe them money. And that’s the beauty of spork: it’s a game that makes high school even more confusing than it already is. I would say that “All is fair on love and spork.” But I don’t want to. Like it’s something to say, but the net positive value if saying it is zero.