It’s Time to Ban Freshman From Prom


Something Wicked This Way Comes. Ray Bradbury must have been referring to the nauseating rumor I heard floating around the school this week when he wrote that title. Freshmen, yes, the small little children you see walking around the school every day and after viewing briefly think to yourself: Is there a fire drill going on? Is that why there are all these fifth graders in the building? Are trying to get themselves invited to Prom. In fact, according to a source within the freshmen class, some have already begun hatching their evil plans and begun moving pieces into place, all with the goal of duping some innocent upperclassmen into inviting them to the one moment a year where we manage to rid ourselves of their presence. 

While the mainstream media may try to tell you that there are bigger issues facing our world – a pandemic, the slow death of our democracy, something about a war going on in Ukraine – I would argue that the biggest pandemic we are facing right now is not one that forces you into the digital purgatory of Zoom but instead is the possibility that freshmen will be showing up at prom, likely in bright pink suits (I’m actually not sure about this but it seems like something they would do). 

Some may say we should not fear these freshmen. In the great words of our former president (may he rest in peace) John F. Kennedy, “there is nothing to fear but fear itself.” Well, guess what, John? I am scared; a shivering in my boots level of scared. I am most definitely fearful of the possibility that while I am trying to dance my heart away to the Cupid Shuffle at Prom, I will turn around and find a freshman watching me. Their eyes silently judging as I stop dancing and slowly trudge back to my table; my momentary bliss completely soiled. I am petrified simply at the thought of it. Clearly, Mr. Kennedy did not have to worry about his annual Cupid Shuffle throwdown being interrupted while he was schmoozing it at schools such as Harvard and whichever fancy-schmancy boarding school he went to where the freshmen are simply trained robots who can operate on six different spatial planes all at once and will most definitely not be judging your dancing as judgment is an emotion their programming has not unlocked yet. 

I feel that if John were to come back now, he would see my side. He would probably say something along the lines of:

“Jeepers. This really is a scary thing. This is about as damn scary as that Cuban Missile Crisis that I dealt with. Good thing I didn’t lose my cool during that one, but boy oh boy, I don’t know about this one. This is just really something else. Tell the Generals to fire the nukes ASAP. We have to scrap the whole earth and completely restart!”

The only way to prevent the launching of the nukes is to prepare ourselves as best as possible for the coming battle. Rule #1: Avoid the freshman at all costs. Rule #2: Brush up on how to spot a freshman; here is the book I recommend for that: Hiding in Plain Sight – My Experience Spending a Year With Freshman by the famed author Emily Dickinson. Rule #3: Petition your local grade-level representative for a legislative approach to addressing this threat. They serve the people and we the people are demanding a comprehensive defense of the attacks on our right to dance our hearts away free of Freshman. 

Hope is not lost. If there is one thing upperclassmen are, it’s resilient. We survived one pandemic, albeit in varying conditions, and now we have the skills to survive another. So let’s unite behind this common cause, and launch our school forward into an unprecedented era of freedom at our school dances. Let’s ban freshmen from Prom! Liberty or Death!