As we enter a recession and tariffs on Jelly cats are through the roof, the whole world has been wondering how dear old WT will prosper. Well, we have come to answer: HUSTLE CULTURE. The following is our proposal for how WT can stay out of bankruptcy while still being where smart meets heart.
Rent out students and WT vans as Ubers during H-block and Community Time
Ever find yourself enjoying a little too much free time at WT? Look no further, this fall, all student drivers enrolled at WT will be issued an Uber account with proceeds going straight to the school. Those without their own vehicles will be assigned a WT van, also known as an Uber Black.
Put Ads in Plaid
It is about time to switch up these artsy plaid layouts and actually maximize both the space and opportunity. Next students’ art and writing space will be sold for advertisements. This will both give the students a real look into what it takes to actually make money as an artist and give the school a little fast cash. Sponsors, including Ozempic and GetGo, have already purchased full-page ads.
Traffic Injury Lawsuits
Why did the WT student cross the road? MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Investment Club Will be Investing the Endowment
With extreme rises and falls in stocks, there couldn’t be a better time to play the market. With the past fifteen years of investment club being practice, students are now ready to take on some real money. Their first investment will, of course, be Tesla stock.
Tip Jars/Screens in Classrooms
Does a Mr. Krause anecdote ever move you so much that you can’t even express your appreciation in words? Well, now you can turn that gratefulness into something he really wants, money. Tip jars will be placed at the door of all classrooms. In addition, if you are to visit a teacher outside of class for questions or advice, there will be a quick question on the screen for you to answer at the end of your time spent together. “Don’t you think 30% is a little stingy?” — Dr. O at his office hours.
Marx CrossFit Classes
Every weekday 4 a.m. to 6 a.m. WT field and gym will be used for CrossFit classes led by our very own Mr. Marx. Aligning with the WT interdisciplinary values (squats crossed with push-ups) these classes will be infused with the trademark Marx touch: fear.
Pay to Play WT Soccer
Feeling like WT soccer is not exclusive enough? The new Pay to Play policy makes sure that those on the team really want it. Freshman entry fees start at $6,000 (not including play time during games).
Kindergarten Labor Force
With tariffs causing a rising need for “Made in America” products, the country is short on labor. Look no further than the JPK, Pre-K, and Kindergarten classes. With their fingers small and energy high, they will be embroidering the Nike swoosh till they’re in fourth grade.
Volunteer Students for Shady Side Prom Extras
Rumor on the street is that Shady Side’s prom theme is Great Gatsby. While they already have the recession theme set up, they still need extras to play 1920s individuals. WT students will be volunteered to assume roles such as Daisy and hobo.
Rent out Parking Lot for public city parking
In a prime area of central Shadyside, it is stupid not to offer up our parking lot to the masses. No longer will you have to put out a chair to save your spot. Starting rates will be $20 an hour, $150 for overnight, valet not included.
While these are some pretty steadfast ways to save our school, there is no guarantee. In the end, we must support our teachers and staff in these hard times and make sure WT is a place they want to stay. Let’s also hope that Medusa’s Lair stops handing out job applications because I think I saw Mr. Maione take one the other day.
