These last two weeks have been hectic to say the least. Whether you’ve been progressively failing at your New Year’s resolution to hit the gym, or have been watching yourself slowly fade away each day because of the bio final, these past two weeks have hit everyone hard. So! Let’s get into my very ill informed list of the Top 5 Biggest Things that have happened at WT in this new year.
**all statements that are either completely made up or baseless
- Balk Twins Committing to USC
Or was it just one? I’m not really sure, because in every celebratory instagram post, both of them are in the photo. Regardless, big congrats!! Fight on!
- The Cafeteria
For #4, I’m grouping several things into this broad topic. First of all, the seating arrangement? Totally fudged. Oh, sorry, I forgot that we’re “renovating” MPH. I was under the impression that a renovation involved actual change, not just an AI-generated poster with uncanny-valley people slapped on the back wall to distract us from the fact that we never got our food trucks. We love the wonderful people who staff the cafeteria, so why is the school stopping them from putting food on wheels?** Maybe this was already addressed, but I only work here—and no one reads these things anyway. We started the year strong with a bacon cheeseburger that was deelishus. Then came the unfortunate sausage-in-a-pastry incident. I’m not sure what it was, but I am sure a group of freshmen had a grotesque lunch conversation about what it resembled.**
- Lilia Koll— BLONDE???
Friend #1:“Who is that new girl?” Friend #2: “I don’t know.. but zayummmmm” Friend #3: “New? No.. no.. that’s Lilia. She dyed her hair!” ** This simply just had to make the list. Because… friend #2 is right, ZAYUM! We love brunette Lilia, but nothing could have prepared us for this. When asked to comment, she said this: “With mock trial regionals coming up, I thought it was about time I went legally blonde. Let’s just hope the bleach didn’t go to my head.”
- Julius Poller Prince Turning 17
Wow. What an accomplishment for the Poller Prince family. The youngest son of the candy dynasty has reached yet another milestone. Inside sources have rumored that Jpp spent his birthday at the Sky Zone indoor trampoline park– a place where he can jump so high that the weight of the world becomes absent from his shoulders. Witnesses report that his favorite tricks are the star jump, quadruple back handsprings, and an original trick, where he uses bystanding children to make a “totem pole” configuration, of which he is at the top. ** When asked how his birthday went, he said “Good”.
- The Fire
This tragic event has unfortunately fallen at number 1. There has reportedly been no fatalities or injuries as of yet **. DK’s comment on the event will forever touch our hearts, “We are so glad all of you are safe and well after today’s small fire in MPH. I know a few of you have videos of the event. You must delete them, and may not post them. If you have posted? Take them down. It’s a violation of the student handbook to post unauthorized videos from campus.” These tender words may have stopped video footage from spiraling, but the rumors remain ubiquitous. Sources report that a strong unnamed hero put the fire out via towel. Who is this person? I guess we’ll never know.. So, due to lack of available video, I guess I’ll just have to put this as my photo to represent the small fire**:
