Ah the classic senior prank. On one special day a year, since the dawn of time and the establishment of our glorious school, Winchester Thurston seniors have been culprits of practical jokes, escapades, mischief, and shenanigans alike. Even in the late 1800s, back when you could still say hello to Alice M. Thurston every morning, the all-girls population of our school had a bit of a rebellious spunk. Every grueling morning these young women would have to put on layer after layer of their uniforms – leggings, long skirts, button downs, sweaters, dress shoes, white socks – you would have thought they were on their way to the nunnery and Jesus had announced his second coming. After four long years of a strict lifestyle, rigorous coursework, and living in the gray and dreary backdrop of 1800s steel-crazy Pittsburgh, it would be an understatement to say these seniors were ready to graduate. They were eager. And gosh darn it if they didn’t deserve to celebrate, then none of our graduating seniors do. And what better way to celebrate than with a little mischief and disobedience?
Perhaps more mischief than Pittsburgh was ready for. EVIL-DOING GIRLS SCHOOL FORGOS KILTS the Pittsburgh Journal read, LOCAL SCHOOL ENCOURAGES WOMEN TO WEAR PANTS read another, and my personal favorite, SCHOOL GIRLS CLIMB TREES WITH SHOCKING MOBILITY. Girls wearing pants today is now a common occurrence, as I am sure you know, but nevertheless these young women were pioneers of their time. For generations to come, students have carried on the tradition of the senior prank, but today, it is in danger. Today, you are required to “avoid damage to school property” and “ensure safety of students and teachers” and perhaps worst of all, your prank must be approved by the school. I ask you reader, what is a prank if not unexpected? What is rebellion if it can only be done with permission? It is simply a trick. One where our school retains its reputation while our seniors, after four long years of hard work, are left with nothing but a dissatisfactory goodbye. So I encourage this year’s seniors to indulge in the true spirit of rebellion, and here are some ideas to get you started:
- Take a shower in the Bio room
Dearest seniors, I know the s word may be provoking for some of you. It may even cause some of you to gag and recoil just reading this. But sometimes after a hard-fought gaga-ball game, or perhaps an underclassmen v. upperclassmen soccer match, a shower is needed and well deserved. Of course, there are the dirty showers in the locker room, but the water comes out like a jet and the floors are sure to give you athlete’s foot. As an alternative, I highly recommend the safety showers located in the physics, bio, and chem rooms. You and two of your friends can take showers at the same time! And “Only in case of emergencies” is such a vague description anyway.
- Put a special surprise in the school lunch
(All due respect to the wonderful cafeteria staff) It’s no secret that the school lunch isn’t perfect. Some say “It needs more seasoning,” others say “this milk expired 2 years ago”. However, across all grievances, there is a consensus that there is something missing from the school lunch. Students will say it’s salt, teachers will say it’s pepper, but I say, I say, they aren’t digging deep enough. A secret ingredient is never something as simple as a mere seasoning. A true secret ingredient doesn’t just add flavor to a dish, it adds something indescribable, something that can’t be quantified, a certain je ne sais quoi, some say, it adds life itself. So to you, dear seniors, I offer: release termites into the school lunch. Socrates, Galileo, and Gandhi were all locked away at least once in their life for their “radical” ideas. But today, they are remembered forever as geniuses and pioneers of their time. Do what others won’t, take the leap, be remembered forever.
- A Hello From a Local Business
Just a short walk down from our very own Winchester Thurston School is one of the finer establishments on Morewood Avenue. Enjoyed by many for its delicious cuisine, enthralling music, and most of all its world renowned service, Medusa’s Lair is a wonderful cabaret-restaurant friendly to all ages. One quick and easy call will get you top of the line service right to Winchester’s front door. And who doesn’t love free food? A safe and amicable prank sure to be talked about for years to come.
- Host a petting zoo
Now I am well aware, it is unanimously agreed upon that petting zoos have gotten old at this point. We’re all too big to ride the ponies now, and no one wants to pet a smelly goat or to hug the scratchy wool of a sheep. Contrary to popular belief, big cats like tigers and lions are some of the nicest and non-territorial animals in the world. The only reason they aren’t put in petting zoos is because the zookeepers are worried you’ll become too attached. And here’s something else I bet you didn’t know: rhinos are actually very soft and cuddly. And hey, you’ll never get another senior year; free those fuzzy animals friends and bring them to where they can be truly and fully appreciated – Winchester Thurston School.
